


Darkness Falls

by LadyFogg



Series: Angel with a Shotgun [3]
Category: Constantine (TV)
Genre: Demonic Possession, F/M, Inner Demons, Language, Possession, Rising Darkness, Sexual Content, dark themes, disturbing imagery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 15:05:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4791830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyFogg/pseuds/LadyFogg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It has been six months since the events of the cruise when you receive a call from Chas. John has defeated the darkness, but at a terrible price. To save the world, he had to take the darkness into himself, and the outcome is grim. He doesn’t have much time left. His mind is trapped in his body, fighting for survival, and you decide to project your own consciousness into his to help. With the spirit of a special friend at your side, it’s a fight for John’s life and soul as you race to save him from his inner demons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Darkness Falls

You take John’s advice and move to Atlanta.

Life quiets down considerably after that. Your brush with Glaucus is enough to force you to step back from monster hunting and you don’t know if you’ll ever go back to it full time. Probably not. You’ll help when you can, but you’re finally content to live out your “retirement” doing whatever you want. Sometimes it’s online scams, other times it’s mundane things like guitar lessons or taking a few art classes. Most of the time it’s spellcasting. Not demon summoning or anything like that. Just small spells. You do some more rune studies and get a couple more tattoos.

But for the most part, you take it one day at a time and try to keep things low key.

Your loft is small, but you really don’t need a big space. You live in a quieter part of town, away from the hustle of daily life. It’s nice. And when you get too bored, you venture into the largest, loudest bar you can find and drink until you see two of everything.

John visits often.

You wouldn’t say you’re in a relationship. You don’t do relationships, not anymore at least, and neither does he. But you see each other often enough that you don’t feel the need to see other people. You’re not sure if John feels the same way, but between demon fighting and trips to see you, you doubt he has time for anything else.

Sometimes he calls days ahead, letting you know when he’ll be by. It gives you enough time to stock the kitchen with plenty of food and whiskey, since his visits usually mean never leaving the loft. He shows up with a smirk and welcoming kiss, eager to share the details of his latest adventures. You make him dinner, then he drags you into the bedroom for an evening of naked fun.

Other times he slides into bed next to you unexpectedly in the middle of the night, hands and mouth eager for your body. It never startles you because your wards only allow him through and he’s the only other one with a key to your place. Those nights, you know how bad the job went. On those nights he’s greedy and selfish, and you let him take what he needs from you because you know he’s dealing with the pain of what he has just gone through. Afterwards, he rolls over and promptly falls asleep, leaving you to wonder what horrible situation he found himself in this time. He doesn’t talk about those jobs, which have become more frequent as time passes.

Once however, after he had had his fill of you and after you had rolled away from him to settle in for sleep, he had spooned up behind you, hands desperately searching yours. You had twined your fingers with his. You had turned around to let him bury his face in your neck and you had let him cry himself to sleep while you stroked his hair.

You never questioned him about it, and he never explained.

Currently you’re busy sitting by the large window in your living room, journal open on your legs as you play with the wording on a new spell you’re trying out. The sky is cloudy and grey, and you have an uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach. It has been seven days since you have heard from John. He has never gone longer than five without at least sending a text.

As if on cue, your phone rings and you smile as his picture comes up on the screen. You swipe to answer and put the phone to your ear. “Hey handsome, I was beginning to worry.”

“Is this Lola?” asks a deep, male voice.

Not John. Definitely not John’s voice. Your smile fades immediately. There’s really only one person who could have John’s phone and only one person who would know to call you if something is wrong.

“What happened?” you ask.

“It’s not good,” Chas says. He sounds exhausted and there’s a heaviness to his words that makes your heart beat wildly.

“Chas, where is he?” you ask. You never met the man, but John has told you enough about him to know that if he’s calling you, things are bad. Very bad.

“We’re here, at the Mill House,” Chas explains. “You better come quick.”

“On my way.” You hang up the phone without asking any more questions. You don’t even bother packing a bag. You grab your car keys and your purse and hightail it out of your apartment.

You speed the entire way.

Your hands grip the steering wheel tightly, all kinds of scenarios running through your mind as you get closer and closer to the safe house. A job gone wrong. That must be what it is. You swear to yourself over and over again, glancing at your phone in your lap every now and then just in case Chas calls again. But he doesn’t.

The door to the Mill House is unlocked and you barely have a chance to slam it behind you as you rush inside.

“John? Chas?” you call as you come to a stop at the railing. Chas steps out from the hallway on the floor below you. He looks disheveled and there are large bags under his eyes.

“He’s in here,” he says, nodding towards the way he just came. You bound down the stairs, two at a time and follow him out of the living room. He leads you to one of the spare rooms that you immediately recognize as the one you stayed in the last time you were there.

John is stretched out across the bed. He's covered head to toe in dirt and something that looks like black tar is covering his hands. His trench coat is missing and his tie is loose. He doesn’t move when you enter or make any other indication that he’s aware of your presence.

“Chas, what the fuck happened?” you ask, crossing the room to John’s side.

Chas follows you. “John has been trying to track the coming darkness for months, maybe even years,” he explains, pushing his hat off his head to run a hand through his unruly hair. “The veil has been thinning all over the place, but he figured if he could find the point where it was the weakest, that meant he knew where it started and thus find what was causing it.”

“He found it,” you finish, kneeling by John’s side.

“Yeah, he found it,” Chas says. He sits on the edge of the bed, next to where you’re kneeling. “He found the person responsible. But in order to stop them, he needed to do some serious dark magic.”

“For fuck’s sake, John,” you mutter, burying your face in your hands.

“He’s alive,” Chas says. “But I’m not sure for how much longer. He’s been in and out of consciousness for hours.” He reaches over to take John’s hand. “He’s never been out this long though. That’s why I called you.”

“How did it get this far?” you ask, looking up at Chas. “He never mentioned anything about figuring out where the veil was thin. All he talked to me about were the jobs he took. I mean, six months ago he said he thought he was close to defeating the darkness, but that was all.”

“A few weeks back he managed to track down a demon that claimed to have come from the thinner veil. It was some low level thing that John was able to dispatch of easily. But, he was able to get some information out of it. Found out someone he thought he could trust had betrayed him,” Chas tells you.

A few weeks ago was right around that night he had cried. Shit. “Who did it?” you ask.

“Did he ever talk about someone named Manny?” Chas asks.

“Yeah, said he was an angel,” you tell him. Chas nods and you give a snort of disbelief. “What the fuck is wrong with the world that we can’t even trust angels?!”

“Manny hadn’t been an angel for a long time,” Chas says. “At least according to John. He fell some time ago. Not really sure when. John had to do the only thing he could think of. He had to become a fallen angel himself to level the playing field against Manny.”

“That doesn’t even seem possible,” you say.

“It is if you consume the heart of a fellow fallen angel.”

And John had one, didn’t he? You had seen it. In a jar, on one of the shelves right there in the Mill House. It freaked you out to watch the thing continually beat. At the same time you had been fascinated by it and you had asked him where he got it from. You hadn’t expected him to answer, but he had told you the story. How the angel had fallen and Manny had ripped her heart out to save Zed. It was one of the first stories about his past jobs he had shared with you.

“So, are you saying John has angelic powers now? God I’m so fucking confused,” you say, rubbing small circles over your temples. You’re starting to get a headache. “That can’t be good for him. He’s mortal. His body shouldn’t be able to handle that kind of power.”

“You know John,” Chas says with a bitterness to his voice. “Of course he thought he could handle it. I don’t know if he still has the powers though. Whatever power he had might be gone now. The demon Manny was working with was already free. He and John have had dealings before. He’s the one who owns John’s soul. John killed Manny but had to do something to stop the darkness.”

Of course he did. “He made another deal,” you say with realization.

Chas gives you a solemn look. “He changed the terms of a deal he made back in Newcastle,” he says.   
“Freed a soul he had damned to hell and gave himself over completely to the demon. Just like they wanted. However, they weren’t banking on his angelic powers. John thought he could take in the demon and the angel powers would be enough to destroy it while also getting rid of the power. And it looks like it might work. But I don’t know if John will last long enough for the process to complete itself.”

“We need to do something,” you say. “Help him hold on long enough for it to work.”

Chas shakes his head. “We can’t do anything,” he says. “John was very adamant about that. And you know him. He always finds a way. I can’t believe he did this. Again. This was the same thinking he had back in Newcastle. He never fucking learns...”

You’re still stuck on Chas’s answer that nothing can be done. “You called me here to say goodbye.”

Chas looks at you guiltily and nods. “Anne Marie already visited,” he says, pulling his hand away from John's. “When John was still mostly awake. When she left, he asked for you. Told me if he passed out again and didn’t wake up by a certain time, I needed to call you and let you know what happened.”

You tear your eyes away from his to look at John. It looks like he’s barely breathing. You reach over to lay your hand on top of his and feel that his skin is ice cold.

You clench your jaw in anger. “There has to be a way.”

“I’ve been trying to find one,” Chas says, nodding towards a pile of books next to the bed. “I’ve been through all of John’s personal stock and even some of Jasper’s more...darker tomes. I can’t find anything. Honestly, I don’t even know what to look for. Magic isn’t my area of expertise.”

You’re silent for a moment, weighing your options. There’s no way you can just sit there and wait for John to die. He needs to keep fighting. Maybe if he knew that he was close to winning it would be enough to keep him going.

“What if there was a way for me to talk to John?” you ask. “Maybe if I can talk to him, urge him to keep fighting...maybe he’ll hang on long enough.”

“You can try,” Chas says with a shrug. “He can probably still hear you.”

You shake your head. “No, not out here,” you say. You reach out to smooth John’s hair back from his forehead before tapping it lightly. “In here.”

“Go into John’s mind?” Chas asks, eyes wide with disbelief. “Are you insane? I wouldn’t even venture in there on a good day!”

“But you’re not me,” you say. “I have the magic to do it. I know the theory behind it. I’ve been studying magic for a few years now. I’m pretty sure I can take an astral projection spell and twist it a little...”

“Lola, we have no idea what the demon is doing to him. We don’t even know if he survives that he’ll be the same John,” Chas says. “He ingested a fucking angel heart!”

“So what do we have to lose?” you ask. “If we don’t do anything he dies.”

“And if you do something wrong, you could hurt yourself, or you could die,” Chas says.

“Would he do anything less for us?” you ask.

“You’ve already made up your mind about this, haven’t you?” Chas asks.

You look at John with a determined expression and get to your feet. “I need you to form a protective circle of salt around the bed,” you say, dragging a chair from the corner of the room over to John’s bedside. “Then I need some sandalwood incense and a white candle.”

You expect him to argue. But to Chas’s credit, he actually wants John to be saved so he leaves the room to do what you ask. You turn to look at John again and take a deep breath. You shrug out of your jacket and toss it onto the floor. You have several runes on your body that help with telepathic channeling so you activate them with the hope they’ll help the process.

You’re not alone for very long when you feel a soft breeze and hear the brief sound of flapping.

“You two are way more alike than I think either of you realize.”

You spin around in your seat and find yourself staring at a woman. She’s about your height, with wide, ethereal eyes and a mane of curly, brown hair. She’s dressed in jeans and a leather jacket, which is a strange combination when paired with the pure white wings protruding from her back. You watch as they fold in and disappear.

“Who are you?” you ask. “And don’t say an angel, clearly I get that.”

She seems to find humor in your abruptness because she chuckles slightly. “I’m Zed,” she says.

The shock and confusion wash over you. “But, you’re dead,” you say. “John never told me you became an angel.”

“Because he doesn’t know,” Zed says, taking a few steps towards you. “I didn’t come to him because he needed to move on from my death. Becoming an angel was my reward for helping John and for using my visions to save people. Most angels were never mortal but, I guess they made an exception.”

“Well you picked the right time to finally show up,” you mutter, turning back to John.

You expect to hear some runaround speech about how angels can't intervene, since according to John that’s what angels tended to do when you question them. You are not expecting the sudden burst of Spanish that comes at you. “Mida mija, estoy aquí para ayuda! Do you want help or not?” Zed’s words are rapid and it takes a second for you to realize what she said.

“You think this could work then,” you say. “You think if I project into John’s mind I can help him?”

“It’s your choice to do this, but I will warn you that it won’t be pretty,” she says, moving to stand on the other side of John’s bed. She looks down at him with a sad expression and she sinks onto the side of the bed. “The demon is using his pain against him. It’s trying to tear him apart from the inside, make him want to give up the fight. There’s no telling what horrible things we’re going to see. Do you think you have what it takes to deal with the consequences you might face?”

“Absolutely,” you say without hesitation.

Zed turns her golden eyes on yours. “Any consequences?”

You look down at John for a moment to consider her words before you give Zed a sharp nod. “Yes.”

Chas comes back into the room and makes no indication he notices Zed. You shoot her a questioning look, but don’t say anything. It’s clear he doesn’t see her and if Zed isn’t making her presence known to him, you won’t either. You get up and help Chas pull the bed away from the wall so he can draw a salt circle completely around it and your chair sealing you, John and Zed into the protective space. Next he puts the incense in a holder on the nightstand and lights it and the candle. Then he steps back.

“What do you need me to do?” he asks.

“Pray,” you say, glancing at Zed. She gives you a soft smile. “And if it looks like John is trying to wake up, call his name and help him.”

Chas nods with understanding. “Lola, please be careful,” he says worriedly. “John will never forgive himself if something happens to you.”

You reach out to take John’s hand and you inhale deeply before exhaling slowly and closing your eyes.

You focus on the feeling of John’s hand in yours and the smell of the incense and candle. Even with the incense you can still smell John’s signature scent of whiskey and cigarettes. It’s comforting. It helps you focus on him and only him. Next you focus on your breathing, willing your heart rate to steady itself, trying to match John’s slow pulse.

You can feel Zed’s presence nearby and after a few moments it begins to wash over you. It becomes almost too overpowering, but as fast as the warmth envelopes you, it’s gone and replaced by coldness.

You shiver and open your eyes.

You’re still in the Mill House, but it’s definitely not the same. Chas is gone. The bed next to you is empty except for Zed, who still sits on the other side. But she doesn’t look like herself. Her eyes are brown instead of gold. You imagine she looks how John remembers her. She looks more human.

“I guess it worked,” you say.

“You did most of it yourself,” Zed says, getting to her feet. “You have a lot of power in you.”

“I can’t take all the credit for that,” you say, standing as well and taking in your surroundings. “I think John did something to my magic back when we were fighting the Succubi. Never got a chance to ask him, but when we linked arms, I felt my magic flare stronger than it ever had and ever since then, spells and runes come much easier.” It definitely looks like you’re in the MIll House, but it’s almost like you’re looking through a dark lense. There’s no actual light source and there is a very horror movie feel to it.

“Sounds about right,” Zed says. She’s also looking around and moves to stand by your side. “He’s good at stuff like that. Alright, I don’t know what we’re going to find or how we’re going to get to John. We need to be careful. We don’t know what’s real here, what’s part of John’s mind or what’s the demon. Once we’re sensed, it’ll come for us.”

“We just need to find John fast,” you say. “If we can tell him what he’s doing is working and get him to hold on a little longer, it has to work.” In the distance, beyond the dark room and through the closed door in front of you, you hear the sound of a baby crying. “Well that’s fucking ominous.”

“No shit,” Zed says. When you glance over at her questioningly she scoffs. “What? Angels can swear. Give me a break, I’ve only been at this a couple of years!”

You both move in the direction of the sound and you reach for the door without waiting for Zed’s go ahead. You turn the knob and pull it open as you step through. Zed follows close behind. You’re no longer in the Mill House, but instead you’re in a dimly lit hospital room. A woman lies in the bed in front of you. Her features are strikingly similar, though her eyes are closed and she’s unmoving. A man sits in the chair next to her. His features are also familiar and you know exactly where you’ve seen that clenched jaw before.

You realize what you’re watching a second before it actually happens.

“The baby is out,” the doctor says, though there is no joy or excitement in his voice. He holds up a squirming and crying infant. The man sitting next to the woman barely even glances at the baby. You realize with a start that she’s dead.

“Sir?” a nurse asks timidly, taking the infant from the doctor in a white towel. “Would you like to hold your son?” She wraps the baby carefully and turns towards the man.

He glares daggers at her, dangerous eyes practically filled with fire. He looks almost insulted that she’s even asking. “Get that killer away from me,” he mutters in a low, dark voice. He leans over his wife and starts to cry.

“John told me about this,” Zed says softly, reaching out to take your hand and draw you back. Her voice startles you and makes you jump a little. “His mother died giving birth to him. John blamed himself. John’s father also blamed him.”

“He abused him,” you recall. “I’ve seen the burn marks.”

Zed nods.

“But that wasn’t his fault,” you continue. “He didn’t ask to be born. No one could have known--”

“Lola, you’re wasting your breath,” Zed says. “You know that and I know that. That doesn’t mean John doesn’t still feel guilty. Come on, we need to keep going.”

She turns you away from the scene and you both head through the door on the other side of the room. “Is this what the demon is doing to him?” you ask. “Making him relieve his worst memories? Making him face all the people he killed? No wonder he’s having trouble fighting. He tortures himself every single day with this shit and now he has actually watch it.”

“It’s what demons to, chicka,” Zed says.

You feel the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and chance a look over your shoulder at the scene Zed has turned you from. Blackness is starting to envelope the ghost of John’s past almost as if it’s moving towards you. The doctor, nurse and John’s father all turn to stare at you, their eyes turning black.

“Zed…” you say warningly.

She looks back before facing forward again and hurrying her steps. “Jogging, we’re jogging now,” she says as you match her quick pace. She opens the door this time and you both hurry through, closing it behind you. You find yourself in the entryway of a house. The side rooms are visible through large archways and you can see that everything has been torn apart however. The furniture is upturned and broken. There’s blood and claw marks all over the walls.

“I’m getting a headache,” you tell her. It’s true. There’s a pounding starting right behind your eyes and you shut them briefly, trying to will the pain away. Your stomach churns unpleasantly and you feel like you’re going to be sick for a moment. Briefly you smell the incense again, but you will yourself to remain in John’s mind. The last thing you need to do right now is wake up.

“It’s the strain of being here,” Zed says. “John’s mind is probably fighting against yours now too.” She lets go of your hand so she can face the doorway you just came through. She places her hand on the door and there’s a brief flash of light.

“What are you doing?” you ask.

“The demon found us quicker than I thought it would,” she says. “It’s fighting back just as hard as John is. I’m trying to slow it down a little, shield us from it. Until we get to John.”

“Should we call out to him?” you ask.

Zed pulls her hand away from the door and turns to you. “No,” she says, shaking her head. “We don’t want to draw attention to ourselves. Besides, he probably won’t answer. I can’t imagine we’d be the only things calling out to him in this place.”

As if on cue, somewhere deep in the house, a high pitched voice yells, “JOHN!” It sounds young, like a child.

“Oh no…” Zed whispers. “I know what this is.”

You barely hear her as you take off in the direction of the voice. If she calls out to you, you ignore it because if someone is calling out to John, that means he’ll be there to answer. It’s his memory after all. You tear through the house until you turn a corner and find yourself staring down a long hallway. The voice calls out again, but this time, John’s follows after.

“NO! You cannot have her!”

At the end of the hall there’s a room and the door is wide open. John steps into view. He’s in the middle of a circle of fire, arms secured around a young girl who is clinging to him tightly.

“John!” you call, but the screams of the young girl block out your cries. A demonic voice practically shakes the house.

“The girl is mine!” it snaps.

You take off towards John, but by the time you reach the door, the young girl is being ripped from his arms. Before you can catch a glimpse of the demon, arms come around you from behind and Zed holds you back from going any further.

There’s a bright flash and then suddenly John is alone and the girl is gone. You lean forward to see and immediately wish you hadn’t. The girl is not gone. She’s lying on the floor. Well, what’s left of her. You cover your mouth to keep yourself from vomiting at the sight and turn to bury your face in Zed’s shoulder. Demons and Gods and Succubi you can do. Dead people, it troubles you. But dead children. No. That you can’t do. That you can’t ever see and be okay with.  

“Newcastle,” Zed whispers in your ear. And suddenly, it all makes sense. “He never told you?”

“No,” you tell her, peeking over your shoulder to look at John. He’s on his knees in the circle, staring unblinking at the dead girl’s body.

“Astra…” he whispers.

You tentatively break away from Zed. “John?” you ask.

John looks at you both immediately and scrambles to his feet. “No,” he says firmly, pointing an accusing finger at you. “You can make me relive all this, but you cannot trick me. You cannot use them to get to me.”

“John, it’s us,” Zed says carefully.

“Zed is dead,” he says, his eyes filled with anger and disgust. He turns his glare onto you. “Whatever you are, it’s not her. And you are not Lola.”

“Yes I am,” you assure him. “John, you need to listen to what we’re saying--”

“You will not trick me, demon! Begone from my sight!” he spits. You and Zed are sent flying out the door and down the hallway. Zed lands hard on her back and manages to half-catch you. You smash your elbow on the ground and are winded to the point you can’t immediately get to your feet. John slams the door shut, plunging you both into darkness.

When you and Zed manage to stand, you both charge at the door and burst through it. But instead of the room in Newcastle, you find yourself in the Mill House again.

It’s not the same room as before. It’s a different one, smaller and darker. There is a man strapped to a bed, screaming horribly and thrashing. There are symbols etched into his skin and his eyes are blood red. John sits quietly by his bedside.

“Gary,” Zed says. The look on her face tells you she knew him personally.

“What’s wrong with him?” you ask.

“He took a demon into himself in order to kill it,” Zed says. “It was the only way. It had killed so many already that it was the only way John felt it could be stopped for good. John manipulated him into it.”

You watch as John holds Gary’s hand firmly. Gary keeps screaming and thrashing wildly, but John remains still, jaw clenched, tears in his eyes as he clutches his friend’s hand. He looks up and suddenly there’s a dark-skinned man with stunning eyes standing before him.

They share a solemn look and the man moves to lean against the wall, waiting out Gary’s death with John.

“Manny was there,” Zed says, as if she’s just learning this for the first time.

“Manny? The angel who betrayed him,” you recall. “The one who was working with the demon to bring on the darkness.”

“I wish I knew why,” Zed says. “I don’t even know if John was able to find out why. He spent so long sending John on all these missions, telling him he was doing good work. He convinced me too. Showed himself to me. Told me my visions were a gift from God. I just don’t understand.”

“Is that why you’re really here?” you ask her. “To understand?”

“It’d be nice if I could,” she says.

“Maybe John wasn’t doing good work,” you suggest. At Zed’s incredulous look you clarify. “I mean, obviously he was saving people and that’s noble and all. But what if what he was doing was furthering Manny’s agenda some way? It would make sense as to why he was working with John even though he had fallen.”

“Possibly,” Zed says.

Before you can try to call out to John, the memory fades and you’re left staring at an empty room. “This place is fucking confusing,” you snap with annoyance. “I don’t know what’s John and what’s a memory.”

“Come on, let’s keep moving,” Zed says. She leads you back through the same door you came in through, but instead of the hallway in Newcastle, you find yourself in a hospital again. Except this time, John isn’t a child. He looks older than he did in the last memory, but not by much. He’s sitting by a hospital bed, eyes downcast.

Zed lies still in front of him. The monitors she’s hooked up to have been turned off. She’s dead. You watch the angel as she steps closer to the scene, a myriad of emotions passing across her face. “He sat there for so long,” she comments, as you both watch John.

“You remember this?” you ask.

“Vaguely,” Zed says. “Manny came to me when it was time. He helped me out of my body and let me stay for awhile. Then he led me away and told me I had been granted permission to become an angel if I chose.”

“If you chose?” you ask. “You mean you could have moved on.”

She gives you a soft smile. “I figured I couldn’t help John anymore if I was dead,” she says. “But as an angel maybe I could. Didn’t expect to be banned from seeing him. I tried, I tried many times but they always stopped me.”

“John?” Chas says softly as he comes into the room. He moves to stand by John’s side and puts a hand on his shoulder. “How long are you going to sit here?”

“Depends,” John says in a hollow tone, looking up at Chas. “Depends on how long it takes me not to blame myself.”

“This isn’t your fault,” Chas says.

“I forced her to use her visions, I made her believe they could save people,” John says gruffly. “If I hadn’t put so much faith in her visions, she wouldn’t have either and she would have had the bloody tumor removed!” He stands abruptly and turns to punch the nearest wall.

“John! JOHN!” Chas calls, trying to stop him from doing it again. John’s knuckles are bleeding and his hand is clearly broken, but he doesn’t look like he cares. He fights against Chas for a moment, but Chas is much stronger and the larger man puts his arms around the blond in a tight hug.

Eventually John gives in, hugging him back and the two stand that way for awhile.

“I think he loved you,” you tell Zed.

“I loved him too,” she says. “Despite what John thinks, it’s very easy to love John Constantine. To get wrapped up in the swagger and charm is one thing. But deep down, beneath all the arrogance and self preservation, he wants to help people. It’s even easier for him to love others. He loves with his whole heart and that’s what kills him. Because he can’t afford to love them. He can’t afford to watch them die.”

“And yet, he still loves,” you say. “That’s brave. It’s hard to love knowing it won’t last.”

“You sound like you speak from experience,” Zed says.

You glance over to catch her eye. “We need to think of a way to get through to him,” you say. “This isn’t working. All we’re doing is just moving from memory to memory. The only contact we had with the real him ran away from us. These memories aren’t helping.”

“I agree we need a new tactic,” Zed says.

“What if we try to manipulate the memories and draw out one ourselves? We have just as much power here as the demon and John do. Probably more with the both of us. The demon is feeding on his negative memories, drawing them out, making him relive them, spreading darkness. We need to make him relive a positive memory. Give him a reason to fight. Maybe use it to draw out the real John.”

Zed smiles at this. “This is your show, I’m just helping you along,” she says. “But I think it’s a great idea. What do you have in mind?”

You think on it for a moment. The only memories you can think of are you own of course. Despite all the talking you and John have done during your time together, there isn’t anything about his past that he has shared with you that you can recall. So, you focus on the memories of you two together. Of course there are all the times you’ve had sex.

As soon as you think this, the room around you shifts and you suddenly find yourself in that suite on the cruise.

“Oh seriously!” Zed exclaims, turning away from the scene of you and John in bed together.

“What?” you ask, gesturing to the bed. “He’s clearly happy…”

“I cannot believe this is the first thing that pops into your mind,” Zed says, shaking her head and refusing to watch you and John in bed together. “Sex isn’t going to be enough. We need a strong emotional memory.”

“Oh he has plenty of emotion right now,” you say, cocking your head to the side to watch you and John go at it. But the memory only flickers briefly and fades back into the hospital room. “Damn it!”

“See, not strong enough,” Zed says, turning back to face you. “Think of something more emotional.”

You huff with annoyance, but rack your brain trying to think of something. One memory in particular pops into your mind and the more you think about it, the more the hospital room around you starts to twist and fade again.

You’re back at the Mill House, except this time, there’s something warmer about the memory. Brighter. You and Zed find yourself staring at the couch in the living room where you’re past self is laying. It’s weird to see yourself from this angle. You know it’s you, but it doesn’t look like you at all. You’re curled up on the couch, nearly asleep.

John comes in, rubbing his tired eyes and smoking a cigarette. He’s in his boxers and white button up. He clearly wasn’t expecting to find you on the couch and when he sees you, he does a double take. He pauses to give you a look. “Why don’t you go to bed?” he suggests, taking the cigarette of his mouth and exhaling the smoke.

“Don’t want to,” memory you says sharply.

“That cannot be comfortable,” John says, unfazed by your shortness. He extinguishes his cigarette in the ashtray on the coffee table. “What’s wrong with your room?”

“It’s cold and dark,” comes the response. “I like the living room more. I like the fire.”

John sighs and runs his hand through his hair. He pauses for a moment before moving to stand in front of you. “Move over.”

“Oh come on,” memory you grumbles angrily. “I just got comfortable. Go sit somewhere else.”

“I want to sit with you, so move over,” John says.

You watch yourself grumble as you sit up and shift so he can drop down onto the sofa, right where your head was moments ago. “Come on then,” John says, opening his arms towards you. “Snuggle up.”

“Fine, but I’m too tired to fool around. Your hands wander and I will cut your dick off,” you snap, moving to drape yourself across his lap.

“That’s a tad excessive for a bit of fondling,” John smirks as he takes the blanket off the back of the couch and lays it over you.

You don’t respond and there’s a lot of shuffling before you both are finally able to settle in. It’s such a strange thing to watch this scene from afar. Because you remember the other side of it so clearly in your head. You remember how tired and angry you were. And you also remember the reason you didn’t want to sleep in the room John had offered you.

You don’t watch yourself. You watch John. His face softens as soon as memory you isn’t looking up at him anymore. He looks exhausted and worried. His hand hesitates for a moment, before it comes to rest in your hair, gently moving through the strands. “Bad dreams?” he asks softly.

“All the time.”

No more is said. You fall asleep shortly after that. John doesn’t however. Since this is now John’s memory, you get to see the rest of it. You never thought about the fact that he might have stayed awake longer than you. You had just assumed he had fallen asleep shortly after you had. After you’ve been sleep for a few seconds, he starts to sing softly, still stroking your hair.

“This is nice,” Zed says. “I remember when he would sing to me when he thought I was asleep. Right at the end there, when I was in the hospital.”

You smile and the two of you watch the scene for a few more minutes. Until the room starts to feel cold again and the lights dim. “No, no, no,” you urge quietly. “Hang onto the positive, John. Don’t think about the darkness.”

But it’s too late, and the happy, warm feeling is gone. You watch you memory self fade away but John remains, his soft smile falling almost immediately. He looks up at you and Zed as if he’s just noticed you. This time there isn’t anger, but confusion.

“Zed? Lola?” he asks.

Real John. Not memory John. Finally! You take a chance and kneel down in front of him. Zed follows your lead. “John, you need to listen to us,” you say in a firm voice. “You were right, the demon and the angelic powers are fighting each other. But you need to hold on. If you don’t fight a little longer than the demon is going to win. You need to keep fighting!”

“I don’t understand,” John says. “What’s going on?”

Damn it.

“Just think of positive thoughts,” Zed urges. “The demon is making you relive bad memories. You need to push through all that and focus on the good.”

“There’s a spell,” John says, sitting up excitedly. “We can do a spell to help. It’ll strengthen the positive memories.”

His answer is so abrupt and out of the blue that it takes you aback. There’s something in the way his expression suddenly chances that puts you on edge. You draw away from him at the same time Zed does. You both stand and take a step back. “You’re not really John, are you?”

John stares at you for a moment, before his face breaks into a frightening smile and his features start to distort. “Almost had you there,” not-John says.

“It was you before too wasn’t it?” Zed says angrily, moving her body in front of yours instinctively. “You were just messing with us.”

Not-John sneers and rises from the couch. His eyes glaze over until they are dark pools of nothingness and his skin pales while his body starts to morph into a deformed version of John’s real body. “He’s almost dead,” the demon says. “The positive memory was a nice touch, but it won’t do much good. I’ve already snuffed out his other ones. Anytime he thinks of one, I show up and extinguish it.”

He takes a step towards you, but you and Zed don’t let him get close enough. You both take at least three steps back.

“I’m honestly surprised it took him so long to think of you,” the demon snarls in your direction. “Considering the time you’ve been spending together. He went to Anne Marie first. Poor, sweet, young Anne Marie. He always goes back to her. Then he thought of you…” The demon turns his attention to Zed. “But you died so of course he couldn’t think too much about you. There was Chas. He thought about him too. But not you, Lola.”

“You don’t get to call me that, demon,” you snarl.

“Why? I thought you liked the way he says it. It thrills you. Oh he had some fun little memories of you. He tried to bury them, I suspect to keep them from me. But I found them anyways and took them out before he even got a chance to relive them. You are a wicked girl, Lola.”

“And you’re a sick fuck who’s dying,” you say. “You’re fighting us so desperately because you know John is close to winning. And he’s not sending you back to hell. Oh no, not this time. This time you’ll be gone for good. And that scares you.”

“Tainted angelic powers and a tainted soul that I already own?” the demon asks mockingly. “Not much of a fight.”

“Then why are you stalling?” Zed asks with a smirk.

The demon drops his playful smile and holds on his palms. Black ropes erupt from them, flying towards you. But Zed is quick and she holds up her hand in defensive. The ropes jump back as if they’ve been burned. White light engulfs Zed’s body and, without hesitating, you grab her free hand. You feel her angelic powers cover you as well.

John doesn’t know Zed is an angel, so neither did the demon.

It screeches in pain and shies away from you both. “You won’t win!” it snaps as you and Zed make your way towards the nearest doorway.

“We just need to keep you back long enough,” you tell it.

“He’s too far gone,” the demon tells you. “It’s a useless effort!”

“You’re a fucking demon,” Zed snaps back. “So forgive us if we don’t take you at your word.”

“I am so attracted to you right now,” you tell her.

She throws you a smirk before nodding her head towards the door. “Run.” She lowers her hand and you both book it out of the Mill House.

This time when the door slams behind you, you find yourself in yet another hallway. You want to scream in frustration, but the sound dies in your throat when you feel the heaviness in the air. This place feels different. More solid and connected. If that makes any sense. You’re getting closer to John. You can feel it.

You’re finding it much harder to breathe and you have to force yourself to remember how to. Your body is struggling to maintain the projection and you feel yourself slipping. But you can’t slip. You can’t fail. You need to get to John and help him end this.

Up ahead you see a door, this one is wide open and just beyond you can see a chamber of some kind. And there’s light. “I think he’s in there,” you say as you walk towards it. Zed doesn’t follow. When you turn to her questioningly, she looks back at the door you have just come through.

“This is as far as I can go,” she says. “I have to stay here and hold the demon back. He’s going to try to keep coming. I can’t hold him for long though. I’m not that powerful. I’ll do what I can, but you need to get to John. Right now the only way we can win is if he wakes up. He stays in here any longer and we fail.”

“But the demon isn’t gone yet. If he wakes up, won’t he be possessed?” you ask.

“Lola,” Zed says. Something in her tone makes a feeling of dread settle in your stomach. “Wake him up.”

She’s holding back. Purposely not saying what she really wants to. But you don’t have time to get it out of her. You have to help John. So you bite your tongue and give her a short nod. “I’ll do it.”

“If the demon gets passed me, I won’t be able to stay for long,” she says. “I need what little powers I have left to get back myself. I helped you get here, but I can’t intervene with John’s fate. His soul is so damaged that even if it does help him defeat the demon, I don’t know if it can handle the stress.”

“ _What does that even mean?_! I thought his soul was already damned,” you say. “If we’re relying on his damned soul and stolen fallen angel magic, _how the fuck is he supposed to win this?_ ”

When she doesn’t answer, you scoff. “Oh you fucking bitch,” you say. “If he’s not going to live anyways, why are we doing this? Why are we going through all of this?”

“That’s up for you to decide,” Zed says.

“God damn it now I know why John hates angels,” you snap. “What? Did you go through fucking orientation when you got your wings? They teach you how to withhold information and lead people on until you can’t help them anymore?”

“We can’t interfere with free will,” Zed says. “And I did what I could to help you. Hell, I did more than I should have. But there are somethings I just can’t do.”

“When I wake up, I’m going to smack you,” you tell her. “Right in the mouth.”

“I’m sure John will love that,” Zed says with an eyeroll. “Now go. The demon is coming.”

You turn away from her angrily and don’t spare her a backwards look as you march through the doorway in front of you. You find yourself in a circular chamber. There are literally hundreds of bodies lining the floor. At first you don’t see any movement, until you look towards the center of the room. A lone figure is sitting in the middle of it all, knees drawn to his chest. The light you saw before is dim, but still there, shining down on the man. You catch sight of his messy blond hair and you instantly know it’s John.

You contemplate calling out, but you don’t know what state he’s in, so instead you start to move towards him. As you tread carefully around the bodies, you start to recognize faces. You see his mother and his father. You see Gary. You see Nancy, Stan, Captain Wells, Manny...there are literally hundreds of people. Everyone he has ever known. Some he loved. Some he just knew. It’s almost like every single person he’s ever had contact with is in that room.

As you get closer to John, you pass Chas’s deformed corpse. Zed is right next to him…and there. Right in front of John, is you. Your body, eyes opened wide and staring unblinking at the ceiling.

“John?” you call softly as you bend down to his level.

You expect him to lash out at you. You anticipate it. Instead he looks up, eyes red with tears. “Not again,” he whispers. He runs his hands through his hair in frustration. “No, don’t show me her again. Don’t make me kill her again.” His hands are stained red with blood and you don’t need him to explain what he’s been going through. It’s all spelled out for you.

“John, John it’s me, it’s really me,” you say, carefully reaching out for him. He jerks away suddenly and you freeze. “It’s okay. I’m not here to hurt you. I just want to help.”

“I can’t see this again, no, don’t,” John pleads, covering his eyes so he doesn’t have to look at you. But you take a chance and seize his face between your hands, drawing him forward into a firm kiss. He struggles against you for a moment before he realizes what’s really happening. Then his arms come around you tightly and he kisses you back, clumsily.

When he draws back his eyes have some of their old sparkle back. “Mmmm, Lola...”

You smile and nod. His smile only lasts a second before he pulls away from your touch. “What are you doing here?” he asks sharply. “I told Chas there was nothing that could be done. He was supposed to prevent you from trying anything!”

“And yet here I am,” you say. “John, you have to keep fighting. Your theory was right. The demon and the angel powers are killing each other, but only if you hold on just a little bit longer. You’re unconscious and you’ve been that way for hours. If you wake up, if you try to stay awake and hold onto positive memories, you can make it through this.”

“So, locked in my own head,” John gives a snort of disbelief. “I’d say there are worse places to be stuck but clearly that’s not the case.”

At your serious expression, he sighs and looks at you with soft eyes. “Lola, this is a one way trip,” he continues. “I knew that going in. As soon as I ate that heart I knew there was no going back. You shouldn’t be here. Why are you here? How are you here?”

“I had some help,” you say. “And I already told you why. You need to keep fighting! Now come on, let’s get you out of this room.”

You try to help him stand. He is weak and nearly collapses. But he doesn’t fight you. After a few seconds he’s able to get to his feet and he leans against you as you put his arm around your shoulders. “You came all the way into the depths of my mind just to yell at me and tell me to get my shit together,” John comments as he winces in pain. “You must really love me.”

“Of course I do, twat,” you tell him. “That and you’re like, the best fuck buddy I’ve ever had. If you die I’m going to be screwed.”

“Apparently not,” John jokes weakly, but his small laugh breaks off and you have to stop walking to catch him from falling. He shakes his head. “Love, I don’t think I can do this. This fight has been too much. Too many years of this. I’m too old and tired. Just let me go. You should go back. Before you lose your soul to the demon. I can’t let it happen to you too. Not after everyone else has fallen because of me.”

“John, I’m not leaving you here,” you snap. “You can do this. I know you can. Come on. The fucking demon thinks you're going to fail. I know how much you love proving demons wrong.”

“That I do,” John says. However, as soon as he takes a step forward with you, there’s a demonic shriek behind you. You both turn around in time to see the demon come through the wall. Darkness envelopes him as he sheds John’s skin and turns into a black creature, with razor sharp horns and claws. He’s too weak to take his full form, but not weak enough to stop coming for you.

“Fuck this shit, let’s move!” you tell John, turning back towards the door. He stumbles as he tries to keep up with you. The further you move away from the demon, the more his strength returns and the easier it is for him to run. By the time you reach the door, he’s able to slip his arm away from your shoulders and stand on his own.

You let him rush through first. However, as soon as he does, you seize the door and close it behind him, locking him out of the chamber and keeping you, and the demon, inside. At the sound, he turns around immediately and rushes back to peer through the barred window. “What the bloody hell do you think you’re doing?!” he yells.

“Your strength is coming back, you should have enough to wake up. You need to go now or you’ll die,” you say. “I will stay behind and hold the demon back until it’s gone completely.”

“You can’t stay in there!” John snaps. “If you don’t come back with me, you won’t come back at all! The demon will consume you! He will steal your soul! Even if you take him out, there’s no guarantee your soul will return to your body!”

You offer him a smile, reaching to grab the bars as you press your forehead against them. “Meh, I think I can take it,” you say.

John closes his hands around yours desperately. “Don’t do this,” he pleads. “No, please. Not you too. I can’t lose you too. Not after this. Not after saving Astra. Can’t I just keep you?”

“I’ll be fine,” you assure him, reaching through with one hand to place it on his cheek. “It’s almost gone. There just needs to be a little bit more power to defeat it. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’ll be right behind you. When you wake up, I will be right there at your side. This is all in your head, remember?”

“Lola, that’s not how magic works. There’s always a price. If you fail, it will drag you down to hell.”

You look past John and there is Zed, watching you with sad eyes. “Then I just won’t fail,” you tell him. “John, it’s time to wake up.”

He opens his mouth to respond, but no words come out. He’s fading fast as his body starts to regain consciousness. You see him mouth three specific words, and while you can’t hear them, it still makes your heart pound. But before you can reciprocate, your hand is holding nothing. The light in the chamber gets a little bit brighter. You sigh and draw your arm back into the room and turn around to press yourself against the door.

The corpses are starting to rise. Some are even crawling towards you, but you aren’t scared. The demon is still coming, though he is moving much slower and is stumbling, weakening now that John is waking up.

“He’s going to be angry,” Zed says through the window. You never even heard her footsteps.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” you say with a shrug. “But he’ll be alive.”

“You won’t.”

It’s true. You won’t. You don’t really see yourself living through this. Lying to John had been hard, but necessary. Zed had all but warned you it was a possibility before you started all of this. John’s soul had been torn and sewed back together so many times, it can’t take it anymore. Your soul is strong. It can finish this.

The demon is on its hands and knees, crawling towards you now as the corpses start to disappear. It is determined to reach you. Persistent bastard.

“Zed, what will happen to my body?” you ask.

“You’ll be comatose for some time,” she says. “But without your soul, it’ll eventually pass.”

“No pain?” you ask, glancing over at her. She smiles softly and shakes her head. “Okay, well that’s something at least.” You pause, trying to collect your thoughts. “You have to tell him something for me, okay?”

“Anything.”

You look at her. “Can you tell him my real name?” Her smile doesn’t falter but her eyes are rimmed with tears. She gives you a nod of confirmation. You reach through the bars and she takes your hand in both of hers. “It was nice to finally meet you. Watch over him, okay? Make sure he doesn’t get himself killed.”

Zed snorts. “I’m an angel, but I’m not that good,” she says. She places a kiss on your hand and gives it a comforting squeeze before letting you take it back.

You turn to face the demon again and consider the situation for a moment. You hold out your hands and a shotgun materializes into them. It looks like your old one, the one you had the night you and John met, and you smile as you cock it. “Might as well go out in style,” you say with a shrug. You square your shoulders and point your weapon at the demon. “Hey asshole, wanna meet my little friend?”

\--

With a gasp John comes to abruptly, sitting up so fast he crashes into a solid object. Not object, person. Lola?

Strong arms come around him and he immediately recognizes the broad chest that could only belong to Chas. “You stupid son of a bitch!” his best friend scolds, crushing him into a large hug. John struggles to free himself however, looking around the room wildly. “Lola?” he croaks.

Chas pulls away and John sees Lola’s body draped across the bed next to him, half sitting in a chair. He moves over to her, pulling her into his lap and pushing her hair back from her face. “Come on, come on,” he chants through clenched teeth. But she doesn’t wake up. He begins to shake her. “Come on! Wake up, damn you! You said you were right behind me! Lola, don’t do this to me!”

“John…” Chas says, placing a hand on his shoulder, but John shrugs it off.

“No, Chas, she’s strong! She can make it!” he insists.

“She won't.”

It’s not Chas who speaks. Both men look up as a bright white light envelopes the room and then Zed is standing there. In all her angel glory. “Of course they would make you a bloody angel,” John sneers. “No time to play catch up! Save her!”

“I can’t,” Zed says.

“No!” John yells, cradling Lola to his chest. “No, not this shit! You can save her! You have the power. I know you do.”

“This was her choice, John,” Zed says, taking a few steps towards him.

“Is she dead?” Chas asks the question John can’t bring himself to.

“She will be soon,” Zed says. “The angelic powers you stole defeated most of the demon, but there still needed to be a strong soul to finish it off.”

“Take mine! IT SHOULD BE MINE!” John bellows.

“It isn’t strong enough,” Zed tells him. “Hers is. John, she made her choice. I’m sorry.”

John’s chest starts to heave as he rocks back and forth, cradling Lola’s limp body to his chest as if it’s the only thing keeping him grounded. Which is seems to be. “Why? Why?! Why would you do this you stupid, bloody imbecile?!” he asks Lola, wishing she would answer him. Hell he’d take a punch in the mouth. Anything that proved she was still there with him. “Lola…”

Zed says a name softly and John looks up at her. “What was that?” he asks.

She says the name again. “It’s her real name,” she explains. “She wanted me to tell you her name.”

John bites back a sob and buries his face in Lola’s hair. “Get out,” he growls in a low, dangerous voice.

“John--” Chas begins.

“I SAID OUT! BOTH OF YOU! OUT! OUT! OUT! _OUT!_ ”

Chas gets off the bed without another word and he and Zed leave the room.

Once they are gone, John cries. He cries harder than he ever cried before. He saved Astra. And with the demon gone, he got his soul back. He won. Already he can feel the demon’s presence leave his body along with the last of his angelic powers.

But at the cost of the woman he loved. The woman he never told he loved.

He cries until there is nothing left by dry sobs and anger. So, so much anger. More anger than he thinks he’s ever had in his life. John knew he could never have anything akin to a normal life. He had accepted long ago. With Lola things may not have been normal, but she gave him moments of happiness during a time he couldn’t even remember the meaning of the word.

Silently he lays her body in the middle of the bed, careful not to jostle her too much. He moves her hair back and notices a fresh tattoo on the spot between her neck and shoulder. His fingers trace the scribbled JC. His initials. His handwriting. On the spot he knew made her tremble.

He remembers a few weeks ago. Getting absolutely shitfaced in Lola’s living room. He had taken a pen and signed the spot as a stupid drunken joke and she had woken him up the next afternoon, proudly sporting the tattoo.

“The mark of John Constantine,” he whispers as he recalls what she said to him. “Fucking badge of honor.”

Yeah, right. John is tired of leaving his marks on people. He checks her pulse. It’s weak, but still there. There is still time.

Climbing off the bed, he finds Lola’s coat on the floor and digs into the pocket until he finds and pulls out a knife. He slices his finger and reaches out to draw a symbol on the headboard above Lola. After, he pulls away, lifts his hands and chants. The words come to him swiftly and he knows the preservation spell is complete when the bloody symbol disappears into the wood and there is a brief flash of light over the bed.

There. Her body is safe and still alive. And it will remain that way until he can find her soul.

Because he is going to look for it. It’s out there somewhere in the spirit world. Chances are the demon dragged her to hell before it died, but he will not stand for it. He didn’t care if he has to go down there himself to get it.

He will save her, or die trying.

He leans down and places a careful kiss on her lips. A foolish part of him wishes she would wake up. That all those stupid fairytales would suddenly come true and she would open her eyes and smile at him. If the monsters can be true, why can’t the good parts be true? But she doesn’t wake up. He is no prince. No night and shining armor.

But she is his princess and he will save her.

He draws away and turns his back on the bed. He leaves the room and closes the door behind him.Reaching up to touch the top of the doorframe, his hands close around the room key and he pulls it down. Slipping it into the lock, he has a moment of hesitation before he turns it, listening to the click with a heavy heart.

He lets his forehead come to rest on the door and closes his eyes as he drops the key into his pocket. “I will bring you back,” he whispers. “I promise.”


End file.
